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Day 18 - Bleak Trees

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Jan. 21st, 2006 | 11:23 pm
posted by: safebox in blanketforts

The Slow Decline of Remus Lupin
By safebox
R for substance abuse, 800+ words

/Day 01/Day 02/Day 03/Day 04/Day 05/Day 06/Day 07/
/Day 08/Day 09/Day 10/Day 11/Day 12/Day 13/Day 14/
/Day 15/Day 16/Day 17/

Remus steps the path that will take him back to his house.

You ought to move, they say. Surely you’re just reminded of him all the time?.

But moving is effort and requires a thirst for life that Remus just doesn’t have any more. Besides, his landlord is good to him here, and turns a slight blind eye when Remus struggles with his payments from time to time. He’s not sure that could happen anywhere else.

So he stays. It’s wallowing in misery, somewhat, but Remus is afraid of letting go. A miniscule part of him believes that if he doesn’t change, some part of Sirius will remain alive, when Sirius was Sirius and not this murderer that Remus doesn’t even recognise in the Prophet.

He’s afraid to look at it head on, but Remus knows he’s waiting for Sirius to get out of Azkaban (for reasons he doesn’t understand, he’s convinced this will happen). Somehow, he knows he believes he can make everything ok again.

A larger portion of him is utterly disgusted with himself, although it’s not an angry feeling. He’s accepted that he’s scum, he’s learnt to live with that, and he’s always known it anyway – whoever heard of a good werewolf?

It’s not as though he hasn’t tried to move on, because he really has. He’s tried other relationships so many times, other men that won’t leave him desolate, people that treat him properly. He even tried women a couple of times, although that was a complete disaster.

He knows perfectly well he’s searching for a quick fix rather than a solution, but he’s comfortable with that. Anything that fills the hole where his soul used to rest will suffice.

Remus has stopped believing he can be put together again. He’s too old and too worthless for magical remedies, and no knight in shining armour is going to swoop down and rescue him.

He reaches the front step, and then he pauses. It’s the middle of the day, and there’s nothing for him in this house, so why return there?

He grips his discrete paper bag a little tighter and walks away again. His wandering feet take him to a park, and he nods at his subconscious choice. This will suffice for a short time.

He opens the bag and peers inside, a momentary debate within himself. He extracts the lesser of two evils, the bottle of wine, because midday really is a little too early for neat spirits.

Absently, he realises that he forgot any sort of bottle opener. Before he really processes the thought, he smashes the bottle against the rock he’s sitting on, quickly bringing it up again so he doesn’t lose too much of the liquid.

A force that isn’t really himself pushes it against his lips, and he doesn’t care that his mouth bleeds and the pain is sharp, because everything will be deadened soon as it is.

Pure emotion pours itself down his throat and he gasps with feeling. The alcohol allows him to live again, love again, be again, and he’s able to love Sirius whilst forgetting all the reasons why he shouldn’t.

Oh the luxury of alcohol, he muses as the level of the bottle quickly diminishes. He is permitted to acknowledge all the pain in his heart, and it’s as liberating as it is destructive.

Before he knows what he’s doing, he’s speaking aloud, talking to Sirius, saying everything he wishes Sirius could hear, words of hate and forgiveness and understanding and bafflement and above everything else, that ridiculous feeling that dominates everything he does – love that seems determined to conquer all, even hard fact.

Remus laughs, more than a little hysterically, and wonders how on earth he came to this. The puzzlement is pointless, however, and it soon drifts out of his brain again.

His inebriation increases, and soon he slides onto his back, against the rock, like a broken rag doll. He stares at the sky and his heart explodes. He feels like pretending that he can still see a motorbike tearing through it, with two young men sitting on it nearly dying with love and happiness.

He falls back onto the rock, wheezing, breathless with laughter, and somehow it turns into crying, but an angry, desperate crying that sheds no tears, because Remus Lupin doesn’t cry. Christ, he’s not that much of a queer, he may actually say so out loud as he once again presses heavy glass against his rasping lips, allowing what might as well be poison to flood his system still more.

He’s not quite sure how he progressed onto the spirits, but he doubts that it’s important. Final images flood his mind as he drifts into a blessed unconsciousness. Wholly unsurprising, they’re all Sirius. Sirius kissing him, Sirius hitting him, Sirius in pain and anguish and joy and love and all the things that ever mattered.

He’ll never remember when he comes to again, but he hears Sirius’ voice in his head, whispering his name over and over again.

One final gulp, and he’s gone.

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Comments {7}


(no subject)

from: glass_icarus
date: Jan. 21st, 2006 11:57 pm (UTC)

... *is speechless*

why the heck have i not friended you yet? *friends*

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(no subject)

from: safebox
date: Jan. 22nd, 2006 12:01 am (UTC)


Added right back!

Thank you!

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Kassie got a BA in inventing subtext.

(no subject)

from: amor_remanet
date: Jan. 22nd, 2006 12:30 am (UTC)

...Gwuh? ;__;

Here is my heart; this story was beautiful enough to steal it. Beyond just that, I really liked how far you went into Remus' head, and your characterization of him made me feel it, instead of just read it. And that ending...the last couple of lines (from "He's not quite sure..." to "...and he's gone") brought everything together perfectly. They were a fabulous, amazing ending to a wonderful piece.

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(no subject)

from: safebox
date: Jan. 22nd, 2006 04:29 pm (UTC)

Oh gosh, I'm blushing! Thank you so much.

~runs off your heart~ mwahaha.

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Lucy May

(no subject)

from: lucymay_lj
date: Jan. 22nd, 2006 04:25 am (UTC)

Quality work as usual, my dear! I love your writing.
And even though you've just broken my heart, I'm friending you! :)

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(no subject)

from: safebox
date: Jan. 22nd, 2006 04:30 pm (UTC)

=D Thank you!! Added right back, wahey!

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halfway out of the dark

(no subject)

from: venilia
date: Jan. 31st, 2006 04:40 am (UTC)

This really rings true.

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