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Day 30 - Loneliness

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Feb. 1st, 2006 | 05:10 pm
posted by: safebox in blanketforts

Teenage Angst
By safebox
PG-13, 400+ words
Note: And we're back full circle - this is the day before Day 01, so New Year's Eve of 7th Year. One more, then I'm done!

/Day 01/Day 02/Day 03/Day 04/Day 05/Day 06/Day 07/
/Day 08/Day 09/Day 10/Day 11/Day 12/Day 13/Day 14/
/Day 15/Day 16/Day 17/Day 18/Day 19/Day 20/Day 21/
/Day 22/Day 23/Day 24/Day 25/Day 26/Day 27/Day 28/
/Day 29/

Remus is tracing patterns in the carpet. A spiral, some Runes, constellations, the phases of the moon. His thoughts are wandering, and soon the shapes change. The curve of Sirius’ neck as he tinkers with the motorbike, the sprawl he leaves in his bed before breakfast, his footprints in the snow. A smile.

Remus comes to a halt and sighs. Nearly a year, now, a whole year of unmerciful love that’s nearly destroyed him on multiple occasions. O the gross injustice of the universe – it never seemed to take sufficiently from him.

Sirius he inscribes into the pile. He absent-mindedly circles it and points arrows towards it, until it becomes the centre of his small carpet universe.

At least that understands. Remus has not felt so alone in years, not since his ‘furry little problem’ became known. He’s never even contemplated telling anyone, and the frustration overwhelms him as he realises it will never be a possibility. He put up with James’ moping for years, after all, and now he has to endure a sickening happiness instead. No, that’s not fair, he’s happy for James. When bitterness isn’t threatening to tear out his insides, anyway.

He’d once thought he had a crush on Lily, in third year, when she was the only girl that didn’t treat him like a hex or a toy. Wishful thinking, that. Gratitude and friendship it proved to be, in the end. Still, if you’re James’ friend, being in love with Lily Evans these days would probably be the one thing worse than being in love with the biggest womaniser in the tower.

Womaniser. Sirius couldn’t have left Remus a glimmer of hope, could he? No, shoving his stupid incompatible sexuality in Remus’ face all the bloody time, the bastard.

Remus starts pounding the floor softly, so as not to disturb his parents, and loneliness threatens to engulf him completely. When he’s without Sirius, it hurts even more, marginally, than when he is with him. Wild designs begin to shoot through his head, perhaps due to the blood that rushes there from hanging off the bed as he is.

His mother enters. ‘What on earth are you doing?’

He rights himself hastily. ‘Oh, err, stretching.’

‘Right, I see. Hadn’t you better be getting ready? You don’t want to be late for Sirius, I’m sure it must be lonely in that flat of his, especially this time of year.’

‘Yeah, I suppose.’

‘Oh, and in case I forget later – Happy New Year, Remus dear.’

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